Directed by Marcus Dunstan
Starring Josh Stewart, Michael Reilly Burke, Andrea Roth, Juan Fernández, Karley Scott Collins, Madeline Zima, Haley Pullos, Robert Wisdom

I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship this so called violence porn. Meaning horror films that are wall to wall blood and guts executed by serial killers each one more deviant than the previous. The Saw-movies are a prime example.

Arkin (Stewart) is a man down on his luck. Pressured by his ex-wife to pay his debts, Arkin plots a heist on his new employer's country home but is unaware that a serial killer has also targetted the house and is planning to off the family in gruesome ways on the very night he's set to rob the place.

The traps which end up mutilating the victims in films like this are usually clever and give the film the gruesome entertainment value, but at the same time I can't help but wonder how many endless serial killers are we going to see? Seriously, has there ever been killers like this in real life? Guys like Ed Gein, Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were indeed fucked up but very practical. I know it's just a movie, but a little realism really wouldn't hurt! Serial killers are sick and twisted people but has anyone gone through these lengths to off their victims?! Highly doubtful and it really is a stretch to get into these Collectors and Saws at this point because honestly the continuous suspension of disbelief is getting a little fucking boring. Even the most glorious gore can get old if it's packaged poorly. Eli Roth's Hostel-films were more than a welcomed breath of fresh air to this genre but nobody seems to have taken a lesson or two from them. Pity. There's a sequel in the works for The Collector called The Collection. Let's hope they freshen it up for part deux.

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
Yhdeltä näkökannalta The Collector on viihdyttävää goremättöä Saw-leffojen tyyliin, mutta toisaalta nämä kikka kolmosia käyttävät sarjamurhaajat alkavat olla niin nähty juttu, puitteet liian epäuskottavia sekä itseään toistavia ettei kunnon splatteristakaan saa enää täysiä kierroksia irti kun huomaa haukottelevansa mitä kekseliäimmillekin dekapitaatioille. Ihan kelvollista lahtaamista sunnuntaikankkusen ja hyvän pizzan seuraksi, mutta odotukset olivat silti korkeammalla. Tiedän toki näiden olevan täyttä fiktiota, mutta jatkuva ylilyönti ja massiivinen realismin puute alkavat väkisinkin jo hiertää. Keksikää jo jotain muuta kuin näitä loputtomia ansoja askartelevia sarjamurhaajia!

The Collector at IMDb

Directed by Gore Verbinski
Starring Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, David Dorfman, Lindsay Frost, Brian Cox, Jane Alexander, Amber Tamblyn, Rachael Bella, Shannon Cochran, Daveigh Chase, Adam Brody

The Ring (2002) is really the film which started the string of American remakes of eastern horror films. The Ring has been followed by others such as The Grudge (2004), One Missed Call (2008), Shutter (2008) and The Eye (2008). The remakes themselves have varied from excellent to fucking shit, but this American version of Ringu (1998) remains an effective and impressive opening act.

Watts plays a journalist Rachel who stumbles upon a videotape after her niece is killed under mysterious circumstances. Rumor has it that the tape kills anyone seven days after seeing it. After watching the tape herself and after some disturbing occurrances, Rachel becomes more and more convinced of the tape's power. She must dive into the mystery and origin of the tape in order to save herself and those close to her.


I for one have no problem whatsoever with remaking films as long as they are made with appropriate taste by talented people who know what the hell they're doing and the films have enough own spin to them so that they are not straight out copies of the originals. The Ring falls safely into that green zone of fantastic remakes. It is a very effective psychological horror film and improves on the original in terms of visual creativity and tension. Director Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3) has created a very unique atmosphere of uneasy but pleasurable viewing because the whole time you have that gut feeling that something terrible and disturbing is boiling under the surface. I've seen this film about four times now and it really hasn't lost much of it's energy as a result of repeated viewing. That's quite something for a horror film. In the end though, horror is like comedy in the sense that it either gets you or it doesn't. I have friends who've considered this a dull film, but I can't watch The Ring without cringing every once in a while. And thankfully from the atmosphere of fear and not because the film's a piece of shit.


KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
The Ring aloitti kokonaisen virran amerikkalaisia uusintaversioita itämaisista alkuperäiselokuvista. Olen huomannut että useimmilla katsojilla on jonkinlainen ennakkovaraus aivan kaikkiin uusintaversioihin ja tuomitsevat ko. leffat edes näkemättä niitä, mutta itse en ole kokenut ainakaan vielä tarvetta moiseen, sillä yleistäminen on etenkin näissä asioissa typerä siirto. Kenties myös siksi että pääasiassa nämä uudet versiot ovat olleet erittäin onnistuneita kauhuelokuvia. The Ring on visuaalisesti kekseliäs, hieno ja aidosti ahdistava. Verta filmissä ei ole miltei nimeksikään, mutta psykologista kauhua senkin edestä, sillä koko elokuvan ajan katsojalla on tunne ettei kaikki ole aivan kunnossa ja että pinnan alla kytee jotain järkyttävää. Se mitä et näe on toki melkein poikkeuksetta pelottavampaa ja The Ring käyttää tuota taktiikkaa mestarillisesti vaikka lopussa hieman leikitäänkin tehosteilla. Kauhu, kuten komediakin, on silti hyvin yksilöllinen käsite. Se mikä on pelottavaa yhdelle saa toisen vain haukottelemaan, mutta omasta mielestäni tämä leffa on melko harvinainen helmi ja aidosti (mitä parhaimmalla tavalla) ahdistava.


The Ring at IMDb

The original Ringu at IMDb

Directed by Marja Pyykkö
Starring Ada Kukkonen, Sara Melleri, Anna-Leena Uotila, Seppo Pääkkönen, Kristiina Halttu, Heikki Nousiainen, Santeri Kinnunen, Niko Saarela

You know what fucking pisses me off (among a variety of things)? There is no such thing as fresh perspective when it comes to teen drama in Finnish cinema. These films have been somewhat of a trendy item ever since Sairaan Kaunis Maailma (internationally Freakin' Beautiful World) back in 1997. They just all seem to follow that same dotted path and the characters are almost always irritating know-it-all assholes. Sisko Tahtoisin Jäädä (or internationally Run Sister Run!) ends up being no exception to that.

Emilia (Kukkonen [the blond one]) is a responsible teenager who looks after her little sister and does well in school. At a pool party, she meets Siiri (Melleri), a youth rebel who likes to party and doesn't give a shit about rules, what anyone else thinks and wants to live her life to the fullest. Emilia is enchanted by Siiri's freedom and after the two become friends, Emilia's success in school starts to go down hill and she has a falling out with her single parent dad (Pääkkönen in good form). Emilia struggles to find her true self in the new emotional environment that's fallen upon her.

That synopsis sounds like a thousand other teen flicks and in the end that's exactly what this film is. First your characters go out into the world and have fun and are without limits but then some kind of cataclysm comes along and they find out that life is hard but friendships last forever blaah blaah blaah! It's shit. How are we expected to identify with, let alone care about these characters when all you'd wanna do is hold them down and beat the living hell out of them and scream in their face "why are you so goddamn fucking stupid"?! And who the hell are these films made for anyway? The kind of teens it depicts? What are they supposed to draw from them? Life lessons or pointers on how to vandalize and be a loser boozer? Or are these films aimed at a more mature audience in hopes they know what the fuck their idiot kid is doing at the mall. In the end, whoever it's made for, Sisko Tahtoisin Jäädä is just a chronicle about two irritating teenagers. Take it or (as recommended here) leave it.

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
Sisko Tahtoisin Jäädä on juuri niin vitun ärsyttävä ja kliseinen nuorisokapinadraama kuin sen teatteritraileri varoittikin olevan. Huudetaan mäen päällä kun elämä ahdistaa, dokaillaan, örvelletään ja opitaan sitten kovin kourin elämästä virheiden kautta ja sitten itketään. Vanhemmat on näiden mielestä aina jotain saatanan vajakkeja eivätkä tajua nuoren tuskaa. Kyllä ne tajuaa (ovathan itsekin olleet nuoria), mutta ovat jo sen verran kypsiä että kun tietävät vastauksen ahdistukseen, se menee kuuroille korville sillä sehän on vain ihan clueless faija. On se sitten tämä, Kielletty Hedelmä (2009) tai jokin muu kotimainen nuorten kapinakela, nämä leffat ovat ytimeltään aina aivan identtisiä. Pienet päälle liimatut, koristelua tarjoavat sivuseikat tuovat ainoan eron toisiinsa kotimaisissa nuorisodraamoissa. Ensin on hauskaa ja sitten tulee itku pitkästä ilosta ja lopussa opitaan enemmän tai vähemmän. Samaa leffaa uudestaan ja uudestaan. Tylsää. Ainoat pisteet menevät pikkusiskoa herttaisesti esittävälle Uotilalle, Emilian faijana viisauden äänenä seisovalle "Jasperin isä" Pääkköselle ja Kukkosen perseelle.

Sisko Tahtoisin Jäädä at IMDb

Directed by Max Giwa & Dania Pasquini
Starring Nichola Burley, Richard Winsor, Sianad Gregory, Ukweli Roach, Charlotte Rampling, Patrick Baladi, Sacha Chang, Flawless, Diversity

First off, I didn't see this film in 3D but the official title includes the "3D". Not that it would've made a difference one way or another. A flawed movie is still a flawed movie if you drag it to the 3rd or the 15th fucking dimension. Also, is it just me or are these characters (the "nice" ones included) mainly just arrogant as shit?

Carly (Burley) and her dance crew are aiming to win big time at a high profile competition which would give them a greater chance in the US. Key member (Roach) of their crew takes off and the rest of them are left to withering chances for a win until an esteemed ballet school teacher (Rampling) offers them a place to rehearse in peace under the condition that they include her failing and reluctant students in their dance crew.

There's been a considerable trend for these dance movies in recent years and at the beginning the thing seemed endearing and sincere but since all subsequent films have been just the same shit over and over again only with different choreographies and casts it's hard to swallow the garbage whole. And why should we? Well, if you have understanding and invested interest in the streetdance culture, these films may please your ticker but otherwise they are badly written shit with hammy acting at best. Rampling (Life During Wartime, Spy Game) is the only real professional actress in sight and it shows especially in the scenes with Burley. Then again, naturally inexperience is cured with experience but it's a shame the audience has to bear the development. The dance scenes (which a few of them are really just cleverly edited montages) are the core and the "story" around them just an excuse to put those said scenes on the screen. Again, that is all fine if you appreciate the culture but if you don't, like myself, there's really very fucking little to enjoy in StreetDance 3D or any other dance flick for that matter. The film was shot beautifully, that I can say as positive. Watch at your own consideration or just watch the greatly more interesting and fun Run DMC ft. Jason Nevins video It's Like That instead.

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
StreetDance 3D jatkaa viime vuosien trendiä tanssileffoista joissa heilutaan ja vatkataan saatanasti, mutta unohdetaan luoda edes nimellisesti kiinnostava ja kekseliäs tarina mukaan. Nämä filmit ovat kuin toimintaleffoja, joissa vauhdikkaat takaa-ajot ja räiskinnät on vain korvattu koreografioilla, mutta kylmä totuus on silti että jos katukulttuuri vinoine lippiksineen ei kosketa pätkääkään (kuten allekirjoittanutta), niin näissä leffoissa on helvetin vähän jos ollenkaan mitään viihdyttävää. Myöskin, olenko ainoa jota vituttaa ankarasti näiden hahmojen selvä ylimielisyys? Kässäritkin näissä filmeissä ovat aina sitä samaa tyttö-kohtaa-pojan huttua, jossa ei ole mitään eloa ellet sitten kenties ole romantiikankipeä teini jolle kelpaa Twilightitkin aidosta tunteesta. Katsokaa mielummin alle lisätty huomattavasti viihdyttävämpi Run DMC ft. Jason Nevinsin video It's Like That.

StreetDance 3D at IMDb

Enjoy:


And then there's the traditional trailer:

Directed by David Yates
Starring Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter, Robbie Coltrane, Jason Isaacs, Tom Felton, Bill Nighy, Imelda Staunton, Alan Rickman, Julie Walters, David Thewlis, Michael Gambon, John Hurt, Brendan Gleeson, Evanna Lynch, Rhys Ifans, Bonnie Wright, Peter Mullan, Fiona Shaw, Richard Griffiths, David O'Hara, Timothy Spall

Geez, look at that cast list.. like the who's who of legendary actors and actresses. I'd also like to start by pointing out that once again I haven't read the original novels in which these movies are based on, so in my humble opinion that puts me in a very good position to rate these movies as stand alone pieces and not adaptations.

Harry Potter (Radcliffe) with his closest friends Hermione and Ron (Watson and Grint) are mourning the loss of Professor Dumbledore (Gambon) and preparing for the ultimate showdown against Potter's sworn enemy and the murderer of his parents, Dark Lord Voldemort (Fiennes). As the stakes get higher, the trio must also stay true to their friendship which is straining under the pressure.

Personally, I hated the first Potter movies The Sorcerer's Stone (2001) and The Chamber Of Secrets (2002) mainly because director Chris Columbus (Mrs. Doubtfire, Home Alone) made them out to be cheesy family movies with clichéd lessons towards the end, but now that the saga has advanced to it's 7th outing things are looking way up because Harry Potter isn't the simple fare it used to be. There are real, important themes at hand and the tone is dark, very dark. In fact, it might be a stretch to call these family movies at all since there are real scares which almost cross the line over to real horror. When the film adaptations of J.K. Rowling's books kicked off, I was pissed because somehow they had managed to collect the cream of British acting community under this childish lable but even that doesn't bother me anymore. The tone is very mature and these great legendary screen icons get to shine like they didn't before in the earlier installments (though I'll still take Hans Gruber and the Sheriff of Nottingham over Severus Snape any day of the week). The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 has been criticized for having a slow pace and being without action. Two arguments which are both completely without merit. There's constantly something happening and the screenplay by Steve Kloves (Wonder Boys, The Fabulous Baker Boys) moves along nicely. That's more like it!

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
Harry Potter ja Kuoleman Varjelukset, Osa 1 on loistava leffa saagassa, jota on ainakin ensimmäisissä elokuvissa painaneet raskaasti perhe-elokuvien kliseet ja mauttomat, rautalangasta väännetyt opetukset yms, mutta mitä pidemmälle tarinassa ollaan päästy ja nyt kun pääosatkin ovat varttuneet, on tarinankerronnalle ja elokuvien sävylle onneksi käynyt samoin. Potter-filmit ovat alusta asti olleet kyllästettyjä näyttelijän ammatin kermalla ainakin mitä sivuosiin on ollut katsomista, mutta toisin kuin sarjan alussa, nyt nuo legendat pääsevät ihan oikeasti näyttelemäänkin sen sijaan että olisivat vain tylsiä marionetteja taustalla kukkakepit kourassa. Tätä leffaa on moitittu tylsäksi ja vain aiempia tapahtumia kertaavaksi, mutta omasta mielestäni kumpikaan ei pitänyt paikkaansa. Kuoleman Varjelukset, Osa 1 on vauhdikas ja itsenäinen elokuva, jota voi suositella nimenomaan perheen varttuneemmille.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 at IMDb

The following trailer is in fact a combination of Parts 1 and 2:

Directed by Nimród Antal
Starring Adrien Brody, Alice Braga, Topher Grace, Danny Trejo, Walton Goggins, Oleg Taktarov, Louis Ozawa Changchien, Mahershalalhashbaz Ali, Laurence Fishburne, Carey Jones, Brien Steele, Derek Mears

The now legendary filmmaker Robert Rodriguez (Desperado, Sin City) conjured the plot for this sequel back in 1994 but couldn't get it into production because the budget was considered too high at the time. Predators finally saw green light 15 years later and ended on the big screen this year. Rodriguez was originally going to direct his own script but later settled on producing with his script heavily altered and with directorial duties appointed to Antal (Vacancy, Armored). First mistake. Rodriguez's original script was much more based on the strange new world the characters find themselves in at the beginning of the film but Antal saw it fit to strip the script down to the more traditional hunting scenario. Second mistake.

A group of various elite warriors find themselves in a strange new world with no recollection of how they got there and soon realise that someone or something is hunting them for prey and sport.

Predators is not that bad. It starts off brilliantly and keeps rolling nicely accompanied with fresh ideas and genuine thrill of awe and wonder for the new world but then slowly and disappointingly starts to slip into the (perhaps way too) familiar set-up of rolling in the mud and running in the jungle. That familiar scenario might have worked fine with a better director but Antal isn't great with action and looses the momentum in the third reel and Predators somehow falls to pieces which are then desperately stitched together, hopelessly, thanks largely to a certain "shocking" and shitty character revelation. In the end the film isn't the worst action pic for the sunday hangover but a disappointment when you wonder what it could've been with Rodriguez's original script and direction.

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
Kaksikymmentä vuotta Predator 2 -leffan jälkeen sarja täyttyi trilogiaksi ja vaikka lopputulos on allekirjoittaneen mielestä saagan huonoin, on tämä silti ihan kelpoa mäiskintäviihdettä. Se ettei Predatorsia voi nostaa korkeammalle jalustalle johtuu suurelti ohjaajansa, Antalin kyvyttömyydestä pitää homma kasassa loppuun asti. Leffa hajoaa viimeisen kolmanneksen aikana ja vaikka sitä yritetään epätoivoisesti tikata kasaan, ei lopputulosta voi silmäänpistävän onnistuneeksi kuvailla. Tuottajaksi vetäytynyt Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Planet Terror) loi Predatorsin alkuperäisen käsikirjoituksen jo vuonna 1994 ja sen värikkäästä monipuolisuudesta on tässä esillä vain radikaalisti karsittu ötökkähippa vieraassa viidakossa. Suurin menetys tässä on ajatella millainen Predatos olisi ollut Rodriguezin alkuperäisellä kässärillä ja ohjauksella.. *huoh*

Predators at IMDb

Directed by Michael Patrick King
Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon, Chris Noth, David Eigenberg, Evan Handler, Jason Lewis, Willie Garson, Mario Cantone, Art Malik, Alice Eve, Max Ryan, John Corbett, Omid Djalili, Liza Minelli, Ron White

Well, there had to be a sequel. Sex And The City has become an idea, a concept rather than just a TV show not to mention a film based on a TV show. The first film, though by no means a disaster, left no need for a sequel but now here we are just two short years later with another tale of the fantastic four from the luxury life of Manhattan. And I must admit, it could've been better but I guess it could very well have been a lot worse.

 Carrie and Big have now been married for two years and the day to day life of that said relationship is bearing down on her. She misses the glamour of the nightlife and wonders why the man of her dreams settles for sitting on the couch and watching TV. Samantha is invited to a trip to Abu Dhabi where her ex is filming his new movie and she invites her three friends to tag along.

 That's really pretty much all the story there is to be had. The TV show had the strength to give each of the four girls solid story lines for almost each episode throughout it's run but given the film's lengthy 146 minutes running time there really should've been more interesting shit for Miranda to do and not  to be reduced to a simple comic relief. Samantha is going through menopause and though she's desperately trying to cling on to the handsome stud at the hotel, the end result just comes off as a woman on the very end of her lavish and free lifestyle. She's still having fun fucking but the reality is catching up to Samantha and like it or not, her time is almost up. The film might not give that message but it's obvious. The relationship between Big and Carrie really doesn't go anywhere where it hasn't been dozens of times before. Then again, does it really need to? I understand that some women just watch these kinds of films alone in their apartment, wearing sweatpants with a t-shirt and eating ice cream straight out of the carton. They are a substitute for romance that they don't have or have found it but it has faded. I get it and won't beat you up about it any further. Sex And The City 2 doesn't offer anything special or new to anyone familiar with the show so naturally it's been a huge hit around the world.

By the way, how in the hell did (the brilliant stand-up comedian) Ron White find his way into Sex And The City 2?! A small role, granted, but it still made my evening to see the guy.

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
Sex And The City - Sinkkuelämää 2 on yhtä harmitonta höpönpöppöötä kuin oli ensimmäinen elokuvakin ja siinä kai sen suurin rikos onkin. TV-sarja johon tämä kaikki perustuu oli rohkea, nokkela ja kantaaottava, kun taas siihen jatkavat elokuvat ovat tylsähköjä, pikkuhauskoja ja ennalta-arvattavia suhdedraamoja joissa vain toistetaan sarjan käyttämiä ideoita. Voisi käsittämättömän pitkän (146 min) kestoajan kai jotenkin huonomminkin viettää, mutta suosittelisin tätä silti vain SATC-faneille. Tätä leffaa katsoessa kun huomaa välillä ajattelevansa että miksi koko filmi on edes vaivauduttu tekemään, sillä se ei tuo hahmojen eikä tarinan kannalta todella mitään uutta sen säihkyvään, mutta sisältä onttoon maailmaan. Ei siis ihme että Sex And The City 2 on ollut maailman laajuinen hitti. Geez!

Sex And The City 2 at IMDb

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Wentworth Miller, Kim Coteas, Boris Kodjoe, Shawn Roberts

It's the fourth chapter of the Resident Evil saga and the series has come a full circle in a way. The director of the original, Anderson has returned to his chair after making an ok action film (AvP) and a very good action film (Death Race) in between. 

 While still (sigh!) trying to bring down the evil Umbrella corporation, Alice (Jovovich) joins a band of survivors in L.A. who've set their goals in reaching a safe haven and virus free place known only as Arcadia. The undead are still everywhere and the diminishing perimeter starts to effect relations of the last survivors.

 Anderson also wrote the first two sequels to this series, Apocalypse and Extinction. Personally I thought the first film was mediocre at best and all the films after that have been even more boring and and without any vision at all with the exception of a few clever action beats. Afterlife is no exception. The only thing that separates this film from doomed straight-to-DVD fodder is the fact that they had more (wasted) money and a couple of C-list movie stars. Shawn Roberts' character, the main antagonist might just be the worst creation in years since he's obviously a cheap and evil knock off of Neo from The Matrix. At times it's almost embarrasing to watch Afterlife since it just wonders on and on without any direction of where it wants to go. And a memo to mr. Anderson: thousands of slo-mo's do not make good action scenes. Maybe if you're a fan of the game series I can understand if you hold this film up in high regard, but otherwise it's just dull and boring gun fire without soul. The only high remark goes to the gruesome character Axeman. Although we already saw that as well in another (and clearly perkier) game adaptation, Silent Hill (2006).

KITEYTETTYNÄ SINIVALKOISILLE
Resident Evil: Afterlife on erittäin sieluton toimintaraina, josta voisin kuvitella nauttivan ainoastaan niiden katsojien joille Resident Evil-pelit ovat olleet kova ja omaa sydäntä läheinen juttu. Ohjaaja Anderson joka aloitti leffasarjan vuonna 2002 (ja on naimisissa Jovovichin kanssa) on saanut tällä kertaa aikaan vain todella päämäärätöntä räiskintää ja haukotuttavaa säikyttelyä. Ainoa hieno seikka leffassa on brutaalin ja aidosti hieman ahdistavan näköinen, jättiläismäinen Kirvesmies. Tosin samantyyppinen heppu heilui jo selvästi paremmassa peliadaptaatiossa Silent Hill (2006). Eli se kai siitäkin sitten. Ainoa mikä tämän turhuuden erottaa suoraan DVD:lle saapuvasta kuonasta on hivenen isompi budjetti ja pari C-luokan leffatähteä.

Resident Evil: Afterlife at IMDb